River of Tears

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Listen to this song … A beautiful song by a wonderful singer !! A must to listen to this song !! It truly touched me and i hope it does the same for you !!

“He started to estrange her… 
And they became strangers
Who knew each other’s heart,
So broken as they drifted apart.

She went down to the river,
She set down on the bank.
She tried to think but couldn’t,
So she jumped in and sank”

 Tears are words the mouth can’t say nor can the heart bear.

Is that why I cry so much ? Can’t I express what I feel through spoken words ? Is my pain so strong that it is unable for me to bear it myself ? Do I want someone to share these tears with ? Do I want to show them that I am too weak to stand alone ? Do I want them to see that they were successful in breaking me and pushing me down ? Do I want to give them that satisfaction ?

No

No I don’t .

Sometimes they just slip …slowly rolling down my cheeks …wetting my face. Its involuntary …. I don’t feel sad …I don’t feel like crying …yet they just break my barrier . Is that what happens when everything you once believed in turned out to be a lie ? All the trusts broken.  When you are fed with nothing but lies . When you are forced to be someone you don’t want to be. When you are forced to make your heart feel something that never existed . When your are forced to forget something that can never be forgotten …. Tears had poured from my eyes without any change in my  facial expression. It’s pure pain and pure surrender when your soul cries without any fight from your body …

I don’t want to cry but a girl who has no tears, suffers so much more.

Broken promises…. Broken vows are like broken mirrors. They leave those who held to them bleeding and staring at fractured images of themselves

I cant let go of these …if I did maybe it would make me happy . But if I did …then I lose the battle don’t I ? They win ….they win in controlling me ….in breaking me …in making me who they want me to be….in messing with me. But I don’t want to let that happen ? I don’t want to let go of these memories however painful ….because I loved them ….painful …but still once they were all I had…

It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses

I am in peace now …. I cry and I cleanse myself in this river of tears …. Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart. I wept, and it felt as if the tears were cleansingme, as if mybody needed to empty itself

Smiles and tears are so alike with me, they are neither of them confined to any particular feelings: I often cry when I am happy, and smile when I am sad. That is who I am . That is who I defined myself to be….

Do I drown in this river of tears …. You don’t drown because you can’t breathe. You drown because you try to breathe what is not breathable. I have held those memories that bring me pain close to my heart because they keep me strong …because they remind me of the horrors …of the shattering pain….of the lies…this is what keeps me floating and never drowning …bcause now I know …I will never drown anymore

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer

Sometimes I’m drowning myself in my own words.

But its beautiful …

Its happiness…

 

 

 

 

 

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63 Comments Add yours

  1. Ξnigma says:

    Wow. Your writing is imply brilliant. And you were saying I should be writing. I will just visit your blog daily for my dose of reading.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ξnigma says:

      Btw, forgot to mention the thoughts on your post :

      I am really glad to know that you found happiness in the midst of all this. River of tears has a nice ring to it, and I loved it how you expressed them to be cleansing.
      In all retrospect, if you want to talk to anyone, I would be happy to hear. Anytime. 🙂
      _____

      Endless mountains wrapped in lush greenery
      Under the dome of countless stars
      A million dreams drifted in the river
      Through the charades of euphoria

      Amidst the chaos of life
      Flowed the stream
      Brimming with hope and dreams
      As dry as a desert.
      – River of Tears, Enigma

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “if you want to talk to anyone, I would be happy to hear. Anytime”- Glad to hear that and the same goes for you . You want to talk to me about anything feel free. I’m a good listener .But i’ll give you a warning …. i can be very weird at times so don’t mind me 😛 Your thoughts were beautiful . 🙂 Glad to have made your acquaintance

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ξnigma says:

        Huh, using my own words.
        I am surprised that you still haven’t shared your contact number. 😛
        Weird is good. I think I can handle that. So, bring it on. 🙂

        The post is actually a continuation of that.

        The feeling is mutual. Very glad to have made your acquaintance, though I thought we were friends, but I guess there is still some time. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well i thought you would think im too liberal if i called you a friend so i used acquaintance …but friends we are then !! do tell me where you get your inspiration for your posts !! I would like to know more about you ( If u don’t mind that it )

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ξnigma says:

        Psst, you think a lot. And I am not the one to judge anyone. I accept however it goes. So, friend it is then. See, that was easy, how I made a friend of an acquaintance.

        First of all, I don’t mind at all. So, ask me anything, I mean anything.
        My inspiration comes from people around me, their thoughts and how they actually should be. But I think it’s from my failures, the things that keep bothering me.
        And then again, I try to hide myself, between the lines, do you know what I mean? I try to be discreet by writing abstract, masking the truth.
        Does anything makes sense?

        Like

      5. i know someone who does the same thing you do …. that person hides their scars beneath all the stories they write …so i know and it makes sense …yeah i do think a lot :p my great sin i guess !!! well i dont know what to ask so why don;t you tell me about yourself .

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Ξnigma says:

        Oh, I see. Glad to know that you understand.

        We all are in this thinking business. Everyone’s sin, if I could say.

        Umm, well. I will tell you that might be a little shocking. I have three blogs. This is one thing I keep bragging about, but the thing is I haven’t updated much in any of them.
        And I work and drink coffee and drink more coffee. Yesterday I spent 7 hours at the coffee shop. Hopefully, will do today as well. Which means I am a lonely person, it goes without saying, right?

        Anyhow, tell me about yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Three blogs … is it three different sides of yourself ?? Coffee !!! Why do people like coffee ??? A strange fact i will never understand .
        Well we are all lonely in a way . I haven’t found anyone who fully understands how i feel ….dont know why ? I feel im not that compley that people cant understand me.
        My cardinal sin is chocolates !!! Every day every minue and im devouring a one right now !!
        One thing about me – I don’t trust anyone ( except maybe one) which means im still deciding whether i can trust you and im honest to the fault so i dont smother my words in lies .

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Ξnigma says:

        I have two sides, any more would be multiple personality disorder. The third one is a photography blog, so.

        Coffee gives you the high you need to keep working. It is a drug, yes.
        You should have it. It’s really good.

        Yes, we indeed are lonely in a way. But most of us aren’t, they find the company. Don’t worry, you will find your shoulder to lean on. I understand that, so may be you have to open up for people to relate to you.

        High Five. I always have chocolates with me. Wait, you’re having now and didn’t think of sharing it with me? Ouch, that really hurt.

        I completely understand. Of course, I am a perfect stranger and you don’t know me that well to trust. I completely get it. But then again, I am not the one to judge and as I have said I am good listener. Well, looking forward for harsh truths. Bring them on.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Sharing a chocolate with you ??? What are you crazy ?? That won’t happen EVER .
        Two sides … do i get to meet both of them ?? I have a feeling that this person …the one talking to me right now isnt the real you …like your Enigma but not the real you ( okay that doesnt make sense ) …If im right ..say yes .
        Your talking to me right now so yeah i know you dont judge 🙂
        Well i think i can up with a question .
        Its more like an abstract question ? Nothing personal …What’s your take on ” finding a shoulder to lean on ‘
        i had one only to find out it was a lie …. now i dont really need one ..i find comfort wit only me and hey more company can make you lose your mind !!

        Like

      10. Ξnigma says:

        That’s quite mean of you. It’s always good to share chocolates, especially with me. It will bring you happiness and good luck and everything good. So, it still isn’t late, you know.

        Actually, you are wrong. This is my comfort place, a place where I can be myself without the people judging me for what I say. The other blog has people I know and I seem to be comfortable sharing stuff there, because they ask and judge and all that drama. Here, that’s not the case. This is where I let my guard down.

        Well well, is that your first emoji? And I am glad that you know that I won’t judge.

        That is a good question.
        Let me tell something about me. I have stayed away from home for the past 9 years. I preferred to stay on my own, because people don’t get me and those who do, already have their special group.
        Being on my own has it’s advantages, I completely agree. But overtime, it just kind of gets boring. And I have accepted that, but I see around and I see happy faces, always in groups or in pairs. And I feel that may be there is a need for a shoulder to lean on. How much can that journal of mine take, how many pages have to suffer my wrath? But then again, I know I won’t ever find that shoulder to lean but I keep thinking what if!

        You see I never had one. So, I can’t really comment much. But since you have, take is as a stepping stone to learn from it. Yes, our own company is comforting, but for how long do you think? And the more the company, the more you lose yourself, if it’s the right company. Otherwise, as you said, you lose your mind.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. i told you i ain’t always sweet ??? and seriously would you ever share a chocolate with anyone ?? If the answer is yes then you are not a true chocolate lover !!
        Interesting …. yeah i get …this blog is where you can tell your stories without anyone ever judging you …but then again who cares if people judge ..you know who you are and what you feel ..let the whole world screw itself …like i said im always honest …when i was reading your posts they all seemed bare with emotion but it still felt as if there was one topi you hadnt touched and u didnt want to ….
        Yeah people dont get me either !! But isnt be alone better than being with a company which is fake as hell …i mean all they ever talk about is superficial things and stupid stuff …they might seem to be happy but they are all hiding their demons….well personally i think i quite like being alone and writing …and watching shows !!

        Like

      12. Ξnigma says:

        Yes, you have. All that chocolate and not an ounce of sweetness in you. What good is the chocolate? That’s why I suggest you give them to me. Thanks and you’re welcome. 😀

        What chocolate are you talking about? I don’t keep it that long for someone to see.

        This place is where I can tell stories, without caring about what other’s might be thinking. People will judge, it’s in their genes to. But it won’t affect me, as it shouldn’t.

        You got that right. I try to write as much as I can, but I keep thinking what people will think if I write this. So, I go into metaphors and hiding behind lines. And I want you to be honest.

        Completely agree. It is better to be alone than to be in a fake company. And what I meant by that shoulder is that someone who understands you, in the inside and cares for you, then you can lean on them with anything.

        Personally, I do that all the time. Have been doing it for the past 8+ years.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. its a chocolate pop !! My second one ….they’re huge !!
        Yeah well in the search for someone who truly understands me and haven’t found one yet ( just one dont know how long that’ll last ) ……
        ” I go into metaphors and hiding behind lines.” Everyone does that . But you shouldn’t worry about what people think ..i love your posts but i would like to see you write something that’s purely you without hiding .
        You can ask me anything you know ??? For sometime i have been the only one asking questions !!

        Like

      14. Ξnigma says:

        Second one. And still not on sharing terms. 😐

        I hope you find that person soon. When it’s right, it will last forever.

        Liked by 1 person

      15. Never on sharing terms !!
        I see you are quite optimistic . I’m more of a pessimist !! You have been giving me some good advice …have you ever listened to them yourself ??

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Ξnigma says:

        Never say never.
        Actually I’m as pessimist as it gets. But for you it’s different. 😜

        All good advices are told to others. 😜

        Liked by 1 person

      17. Yeah dont be different … be you !!! Its much better!!
        Advices should be given and practised too !!!

        Liked by 1 person

      18. Ξnigma says:

        Well, I am being exactly that. Me.

        But it’s easier to give, are they not?

        Liked by 1 person

      19. True but before you give advice to someone like me ..u need to be sure it works !!

        Like

      20. Ξnigma says:

        It works. I have a good intuition about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      21. Okay !! I’ll listen to your advice …if it doesnt work i know which head to hang !!

        Like

      22. Ξnigma says:

        Awesome, good for you. Yeah, not that far also.

        Liked by 1 person

      23. Im an evil person .

        Liked by 1 person

      24. Ξnigma says:

        Nice one, you’re a sweet person. Don’t try to someone you’re not. 🤣

        Like

      25. Ξnigma says:

        And I guess you’re right most people do go to metaphors. This place I’m trying not to, to the best of my ability.

        Why thank you. You’re sweet.

        I hope to write such post soon.

        Anything? You sure? And yes I know. I like answering to the questions. I think. 😜

        Ok. First question : what’s the time in your world ?

        Liked by 1 person

      26. You calling me sweet so many times has given me a bad tooth !! Its paining !!!
        Yes i’m sure you will write a wonderful post
        1:50 …really ? is that the only question you could have asked ? You could have been more direct and asked me where i live.!!

        Liked by 1 person

      27. Ξnigma says:

        Yay. It finally worked.
        Now you can pass along those chocolates. Thanks.

        I hope too.

        Yes really.
        That was supposed to be question number 3! I took so much time to prepare this question sheet. And now I have to do it all over again.
        Anyway so, where do you live?

        Like

      28. Bangalore … You ??
        Okay ask me all questions at once and i’ll answer them together !!
        I finished the chocolates !!! Man is was heavenly …You should have tasted them !!!

        Liked by 1 person

      29. Ξnigma says:

        Umm. Pretty close.

        Well, I don’t want it to be a an interview sort of. So, taking my time. Is that okay?

        Argh, if only you gave them, despite staying in the same city.

        Liked by 1 person

      30. Take your time ….even i dont like being asked questions much !! ….Same city or not those were only for me !!! And dont ask me if what you do is okay …. do whatever you want i’ll get used to it .

        Like

      31. Ξnigma says:

        Sure will do.
        See. So, I’ll keep it to a minimum.
        Which brings me to the point that you have stopped asking questions. Are they over?
        Sigh, so possessive of your chocolates. You know it’s good to share. You get rewards from me, good karma points and all that.

        Liked by 1 person

      32. i have a question i wanted to ask – but i decided against it ….. but ill ask it now …
        Do you have a scar …not a physical one of course …something from your past …something you cant let go …if you do i want to know about it ..you can tell it to me in the most abstract way possible !!
        and a more simpler one – do you like the rain or the cold or the heat ?

        Like

      33. Ξnigma says:

        In a matter of speaking, I do.
        It’s not a bad memory or an experience or something that happened, but my own perception of things. I feel like I lost my way long back. And I refuse to get back on it, even though I want to, I am not giving it much effort. Does it make sense?

        What about you?

        I like the rain. Cold makes my hand go cold and they get frozen. Heat is just not my thing. Rain, mostly because I enjoy the cold water in my face. I usually don’t take my umbrella out even if I have one and it starts raining. People would be running to get a shade. Not me. I just walk slowly though the puddles and the steam of water.

        Liked by 1 person

      34. yeah i do …. its the feeling as if you are falling and there is no bottom …no way up …only darkness and chaos..you want to go up …but sometime you just like floating wherever you are…
        yes i do have a scar ….
        I like the rain too but i love the heat also …heat just warms my already cold limbs and prevents my heart from freezing !!.
        Well i need to go now ..Bye and still waiting for your post !!

        Liked by 1 person

      35. Ξnigma says:

        Exactly, to the dot.
        And then you find that solid ground under your feet and you think this is it and the only way is up or just stay. A moment later it just gets more deeper.

        Oh, I believe I am still not in that trust zone for you to share. So, will wait until that wall is broken.

        You are saying this staying in Bangalore. But I get what you are saying. And your heart isn’t cold. 🙄 Sweet person, remember?

        The reason I asked time was to know whether it was time for you have lunch or dinner or likewise.

        Sure, Nice talking to you, btw.
        And again, I am just a message away, if you ever want to talk to anyone.
        Will post it today. Just finishing it up.

        Bye, take care.

        Like

    2. Thanks !! However what i write is very amateur … i dont know how to pen my thoughts properly ….however you are very sweet , if u do read my blog tell me your thoughts about it . Anyway still anxiously waiting for your next post .

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ξnigma says:

        You must be kidding with the whole ‘amateur’ thing. You aren’t, really.
        Why, thank you. And I will surely share my thoughts, which I am pretty sure will be of praises only and to teach me how you write.

        Actually, I was almost done, inspired by yours.
        Fair warning : It’s lame. Really, it is. -_-

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Your thoughts should be criticism only or maybe share how you feel about that topic !!! And i was seriously thinking about taking writing lessons from you !! Have you read your posts !! They are freaking amazing !!! Im not kidding… Can’t wait to read and btw anything anyone writes isnt lame …its their story and it will always be beautiful!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ξnigma says:

        If you give a chance to criticize, then may be I will. And exactly what I was saying : how I feel about your writing.

        Let me tell you my classes don’t come cheap. 😛
        But I guess, they used to be better, now I don’t know. Have to get back to the bandwagon and do something about my writing sabbatical.
        Btw, you are too sweet. A little too much. 🙂

        I really hope so that it isn’t. *Fingers crossed*

        Liked by 1 person

      4. If you think im sweet ..you are making a major mistake !! Get to know me a day more and you’ll realize !! I just got to know you so i have put on a mask …but if u’ll get to know the real me – annoying , stubborn ( my friend can atest to that ) ,etc. ….
        Sincerely
        Mirage( my name itself defines who i am !!)

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Ξnigma says:

        I will still stand on my ground. You can’t possible sway me from my opinion. You have to work really hard, really really hard.

        Sure, Challenge accepted. Bring down the mask. Let me see the real you.

        Sincerely,
        Enigma
        P.S : You can’t be that scary as much as you advertise. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      6. i bed to differ !! My mask stays on for now … And we’ll see who wins this challenge , Should be interesting !! The real me has always been hidden for sometime now !! Only one person knows it and another saw a glimpse ( both bloggers ) !! Im not scary just an acquired taste !!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Ξnigma says:

        I can already see the victory cup in my hand. So, I guess I am on the way to winning the challenge.

        Oh, I see. Hopefully, I get be the third person.
        It’s one way to put it.

        P.S. So, I have observed that you don’t use emojis at all. But your love for exclamation marks is eternal. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Im on my laptop right now !! So using emojis is a pain in the butt !! Yeah i love exclamation marks !!!
        Dont be too happy ..wouldn’t want to shatter your dreams of winning !!
        Third person huh ? You’ll probably run away before you get to bring my mask down .

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Ξnigma says:

        So am I! But I sneak in the emoji’s whenever I can.

        I know. I can see it !!!! 😛

        Like I said, take your best shot. The victory shall be mine.

        Don’t be so sure about it. What if I stayed? What if, I accepted the person you are behind the mask and I am okay with it? All of which will happen, if you chose to take a step forward to bring it down.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I told you that one saw a glimpse of the real me right ?? He didnt stay …i know i cant put you in the same box as him but hey …that guy practically knew every single demon , scar and truths of my life …he understood me more than well and he ran !!
        Well anyway we’ll see….

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Ξnigma says:

        Yes, very scary. No.

        I completely understand. Once you have been given a slip, especially after trusting that much, it sure is difficult to trust someone else. And I am a stranger, to even begin with.
        But, I don’t think I am going anywhere anytime soon. I mean I won’t, ever, unless ofcourse I get too old and start forgetting things. ( I suck at making jokes).

        Sure. But firstly, we have to walk through your trust wall.

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Even if you grow old ill stay young for you and jog your memory !! Well yeah it isnt easy to trust anyone after that but more than that i think im just scared to show the real me to someone else ..cause they always end up running ?? XD
        and anyway u aint a stranger anymore ..ur a friend !!!!lets get that staright !
        Its always fun meeting someone you dont know …it gives you a chance to explore something new…
        how about this ? Try figuring out the real me …if you do well ill gladly break my wall and let you in …if you don’t ……i win !!!!
        what do you say ?

        Liked by 1 person

      13. Ξnigma says:

        See. Sweet!

        Again, I understand the hindrances in trusting someone.
        I hope there was something I could do to convince you of that.

        Got it, ma’am. Friend it is.

        I know right?

        I will try my best to figure out.
        When you say you win, what do you mean? That I lose the opportunity to know the real you? :O

        Liked by 1 person

      14. yep !! You wont ever the the real me …that way it should be fair !!
        You dont have to do anything to convince me … ill decide myself
        And how am i sweet ??? You sure that drinking coffee hasnt messed with your brain …maybe all you are seeing every where is sweetness !!!
        And yes , sir …. do your best to figure out …but im telling you im hard to understand !!! If you do succeed( which is highly impossible ) ..ill do anything !!!
        Btw do you have any fears …like phobias ?? Just curious ( If you feel in infringing upon your privacy just say so … I’ll stop )

        Liked by 1 person

      15. Ξnigma says:

        How come it will be fair ?

        Oh then, take your time. No hurry.

        And yes you’re sweet. And no, it hasn’t. Yet. I’m telling the truth, sweet person.

        Oh, that’s quite a challenge which I will take upon.
        Anything, huh? The stakes are very high I see.

        Yes. I have quite a lot actually.
        1. Living too long
        2. Talking to people, personally
        3. Stage freight
        4. Etc etc

        Liked by 1 person

      16. uhh ..sweet person !!1 Im starting to hate you XD
        Talking to people huh !! Ok that was surpirising !! Living too long – what are you 60 !!

        Liked by 1 person

      17. Ξnigma says:

        Did you say something, sweet person? 😜
        You’ve to get in line for that.

        Yeah, if you ever meet me, I will just sit there and wonder hat to say and while I am wondering won’t say a thing.

        Yes, living too long. 60 is way too far.

        Liked by 1 person

      18. Imagine this –
        A small but sturdy palm slapping your face so hard you want to cry !!
        Cause that’s exacty what I’m imagining , old man !!!
        I dont know im quite talkative …i get people to talk even if they dont want to which is exactly what’s going to happen .

        Liked by 1 person

      19. Ξnigma says:

        Imagine this – As the palm flies in the space between the face the hand, the head goes down and misses the slap, instead slaps the air.
        Ninja skills at play, sweet person. 🤣

        You have a good imagination, I’ll tell you that, Sweet person. I should probably make it sweety or something. 😂

        I will take your word for it. But I am a hard shell to crack. So, all the best. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      20. i swear if You ever call me sweety i’m going to hunt you down and take you on a trip through hell !!1
        Anyway my aim is absolutely perfect !! One of the things Im proud about , Old Man !!
        I will never miss !!
        You should get an ice pack …your cheeks are going to hurt badly !!

        Like

      21. Ξnigma says:

        Did you say something, sweety? 😜
        We will see that, won’t we, near-miss-sweet person?
        Ofcourse I will get an ice pack. What if you hit a wall?

        Like

      22. Oh im totally going to find you and kill you and hid your body after making you hurt soo bad !!! i prefer to be called Mirage , Old Man !!!!
        Why would i hit a wall ?? You should be more worried about losing your teeth !!!!!

        Like

      23. Ξnigma says:

        I can’t hear you over your far fetched dreams, sweety! What were you saying?

        Mirage it is, sweet person.

        Why would you? Because you are going to miss the face and hit the wall. Duh!
        Yes, I am worried. For your hand. That poor hand gonna hit a wall and god knows what will happen.

        Like

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